Breathe and Repeat

Yesterday was the start of the fall semester and I am officially a second year Master’s student. It feels weird saying that.

“I’m Sonni and I am a second year Master’s student.”

It’s been awhile since I blogged and it seems fitting I would restart at the start of the semester. Every semester always starts with the best intentions, right?

This semester I will read. I will use my highlighters. I will study in advance and not just a day before my exams. I will blog more and eat right and be a better person.

Every semester I have the best intentions for my studies and my life and by the third week I have the best excuses. I would love to say this semester will be different but I have been in school for more than 18 years and finally know better.

I will say I will blog more. That’s an intention I think I can keep.

My month away from myhotboxkitchen has been packed with experiences and discoveries which I will share overtime. It was also filled with a weird feeling of sadness that I didn’t understand until this weekend.

I spent a lot of this summer feeling sad and anxious but unable to describe why. I would wake up with this feeling and fall asleep with this feeling. It didn’t stop me from having an amazing summer with my husband, or living it up when we went on vacation but it was always there.

Over the weekend it hit me.

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Eighteen plus years of school and summer vacations are all drawing to it’s series finale. My little comfort bubble of living in an academic world is about to burst. Sure, over the past few summers I had to work, attend classes and so forth but there was always this sense that it’s summer and that when fall hits it will be a new beginning. I feel like I am on my last ‘new beginning’ and that feeling translated to that weird sadness I described.

I watched over the past couple of years as my friends Facebook statuses changed from “thank goodness it’s summer, let’s party!” to “being an adult sucks, no summer vacations” or “It’s Monday again.” I felt a singe of guilt every time I read a status like that because I still had summer; I still got to wake up at 10am during the week if I wanted and bar hop on a Wednesday. I still got to be the college kid with limited responsibility.

Paying off Sallie Mae? Nope not yet! Worried about dental and medical? Nope, my mom still covers me! Looking for a job? Heck no, I am a full time student!

Most of my high school and undergraduate college friends are already out of the bubble. They work real grown up jobs. I remember talking with a few of my best girlfriends as they cried about the stresses of looking for employment and shared in their joy when they found work. And shared in their pain as they left their first job because it was terrible.  And cried with them as they searched again.  And now I am sharing in their joy as they find the second jobs (or fifth) and watch like the proud friend I am as they get promoted and treated like the bosses they are.

This bubble I have surrounded myself in is about to burst and I will be where my friends were three or two years ago. I will be figuring out how to be an adult three years later than everyone else. Looking for a job terrifies me. Looking for a house excites me but paralyzes me with fear. Leaving Oklahoma for the unknown future fills me with dread.

I don’t feel qualified to do anything other than go to school and have intellectual debates about whether Buffy should end up with Spike or Angel. I don’t feel ready for the real world.

I am not ready to say good bye to summer or new beginnings every fall.

I do know I am ready to not be a student. I do know I have the best intentions for this (hopefully not last) new beginning:

Enjoy life. Blog more. Be present. Do yoga. Climb more. Relax. Breathe and repeat.

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